Saturday, 6 July 2013

Longing - Creating in Faith

There are many things if we think about them carefully that we long for.  Some are to make us feel better within ourselves, some for the benefit of other people.  I have come to know and experienced the longing that stirs deep within and that feels like it cannot be remedied - found hand in hand with loss.
In my younger days I had many desires, I would have been convinced that some of which I could not live without, and thinking about them now see them as trivial and unimportant. My maturity makes sense of the world and understands how views, and desires change, and in my youth often with the wind.

My thoughts on longing are around the loss of a loved ones - a child, father, best friend and more recently brother.  You wonder how much your heart can take, never for one minute thinking that you will have to bear the callouses of yet another loss.  My longing is wrapped up in wanting to see them again, to say those words that never got said, to feel their presence one more time, to stop for a moment the ache, that dull ache which rests deep within.  There are momentary distractions and life feels like normal, you can breath again and sometimes laugh.  Then you remember, something missing, something you took for granted that it would always be there but you realise a hole remains.  Is it a round peg or a square, whatever shape it is it feels as if there is nothing that can fill it. 
Time they say is a healer it gets better.  I can say that I still wonder what my son Cairo who would be turning 24 this year would be accomplishing and what adventures he would have got up to.  My dad would have been in his 80's there was still so much wisdom untapped and how he would have had so much fun with his grandchildren.  Barbara spurred me on in my journey as an artist we shared much laughter and supported each other, and now my Brother Robert.  I think of him constantly wondering how I can use my creativity to take away the ache, knowing that he would expect me to do all the things I shared with him from my hopes and dreams.  

The longing doesn't go away I guess my you find different ways to respond, and my creativity allows me to say those things I still want to say, and when I don't know what or how I should feel I just stay still and listen.

My faith helps me to put one foot in front of the other taking one day, one thought, one step at a time.  My creativity is helping me to say those things that I need to say whether it is a painting, piece of writing, poetry or something that I have created.  They go hand in hand bridging the gap between the words unsaid, mutterings and groans from the heart, laughter and tears on the opposite sides of the same coin and the understanding that has come over time.
There will always be a longing, we can't hide or pretend.  Some days it will be easier, and others not so easy.  We learn to embrace, to share the memories, to talk about our loved ones as if they are in the next room.  We remember them the good and bad times, the tests and the triumphs and we keep taking those steps reminded of the fragility and remembering to laugh....
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