UBC - Day 21 - Once a Man, Twice and Child - Tips for Carers

Welcome to the Ultimate Blog Challenge, for today.

Once a Man and Twice a Child

I never understood the saying until my dad got ill.  He had become bed-bound and needed me to help him change his clothes.  He was embarrassed and was apologetic, it was awkward, and at the time I tried to reassure him that it was alright.  He was my dad, and he needed my help, no questions asked, but I could never imagine myself doing this on a regular basis. 

Kenneth Lloyd Trought - A shining star

I wasn't around much for mum when she looked after dad and for many years after his death I surrounded myself with guilt of what I could and should have done.  But at the end of the day the guilt will only spin you round in circles and immobilize you, which doesn't help anyone, but I know how hard it is to shake.  Many find themselves in the role of a carer quite by chance, there is no else to take up the role, and it is here more than ever that we have to give a thought to how we would want to be treated if ever we found ourselves in the role of the cared for.

So many memories...

I am looking after my mum whilst my heart yearns for a mothers wisdom and advice, yet it is often met with silence, that is the hardest thing to deal with sometimes.  I think back to the care and nurturing that she gave unconditionally to us as children, and her gentle nature.  Not everyone has the love of a nurturing parent that I know, and motherhood is not an easy road to walk down.  

I care for her now as if she is my child, anticipating her needs and emotions as best I can.  There is no room for guilt about what she cannot do or my perceived limitations as her daughter, though I am not saying that from time to time the thought does run through my mind.  I remind myself that if the tables were turned she would do the same for me.

For now, recognise that you can only do your best in the situation, don't beat yourself up but find ways to celebrate their life and what they can do today.

You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.

UBC - Day 20 - Being Practical - Tips for Carers

Welcome to the Ultimate Blog Challenge for today.  Rome wasn't built in a day and some times it can take a while to sort out and organise your own household, let alone another, so today's tip is about being practical.  

Practicalities

Being a carer brings with it a lot of emotional stuff, but to deal with the situation you are going to have to look at what you do and see it from a practical side, and get what needs to be done first then think about how it makes you feel. Sometimes you need to work with what you have as very often the thing that we think we need is right in front of our faces.  No one can be on call 24 hours a day, so if you can create some systems and schedules it will help you keep a track of things. 

Asking for Help

There is only so much you can do, so asking for help is something that you need to get used to.  Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is the thing that can enable you to handle your role in a more effective way, and keep you sane at the same time.  I found what helped me was having set things that could be done depending on the situation, grouping activities that could be done at one time, this also called me to be flexible as nothing was set in stone.  I try and think about what I need to do and what needs to be done, if you try and do too much you will burn yourself out.

  

Saving time

I try and make sure that I can have enough things in place and when I am feeling full of energy I can do more, but when I am tired, I can make adjustments as I go on.  If you have access to a computer you can try and automate things that you need to do like paying bills, prescriptions, even doing some of the heavy shopping online, and try and save some much needed time.   

It is important to keep the one that you are caring for as active and mobile as possible, this enables them to remain independent.  You might find that doing things yourself might be quicker, but if you let them get involved it not only impacts on their self esteem, and this will help you if they feel that they are contributing.  My aim with my mum is to keep her as mobile and active as possible and constantly encourage her to move about where she can, to exercise dispute having to use a wheel chair, keeping her stimulated and engaged helps me in the long run because it slows down the decline and in turn keeps her as independent as possible.

For now try and identify the regular things that you do that can be organised to take up less time, don't feel bad about asking for help, the answer could be 'yes' or you can organise some of the repetitive activities so it fits into a workable schedule.

You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.

UBC - Day 7 - Encourage - Tips for Carers

Welcome to day 7 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge, 

Tips for Carers

It can be very easy at times to loose your cool, you get frustrated and then annoyed at something that you need them to do that they are not doing, or appear to be sabotaging.  I must admit at times I have got angry at mum thinking that she is doing something on purpose, and I think that these things stem from fear, when you think about the thing that they were quite alright doing, suddenly the next day they don't have a clue how to do it.

I remember the day mum couldn't work out how to get out of her bed room.  This was in the early days and I had gone round there and my key wouldn't open the door as she had put the chain on the door.  I rang the bell and couldn't understand why she hadn't come to the door yet, I knew she was in, I kept calling through the door but didn't hear anything, so I started looking through the bedrooms thinking something must have happened.  

I was shocked when saw her through her bedroom window trying to find the door which was directly in front of her, there wasn't anything wrong with her vision but she just couldn't work it out, she kept feeling the walls and muttering to herself.  I was scared, for her and what it meant for me, as there would have to be things implemented to cope with this new change.  I called to her through the window and directed her to the door, and then when she got to it she came straight to the front door and opened it for me.

Over the years, I had to keep reminding myself that if we focused on what she could do for herself and encourage her along the way this took the anxiety out of the situation that was changing.  I am not saying that I don't get frustrated at times, but I have to  put it in perspective and celebrate all thing things that she can still do, and today being able to feed herself is something to celebrate.

For now, think about all the things that they can do and celebrate no matter how small.  The encouragement that you can give will mean so much to them, and help you put things into perspective as well!

Check out some of my A-Z posts on my journey as a carer, click on the links below

You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts about my A-Z experience as a carer.

UBC - Day 6 - Tips for Carers - Family and Friends

Caring for a loved one can be such an isolating experience with dementia unlike say a broken leg, the leg gets better people can see that the leg is broken and so there are certain expectations about things that you are unable to do.  With dementia there isn't necessarily any outward sign, as it gets worse and ravages the memory and leaves its after effects on its unwilling participants

As the carer I have found that your relationships with family and friends can suffer, as you try and navigate your way around the changes to your routines and additional things that you need to do in order to manage the caring role, you can end up drifting from your social life, too tired to call friends when you've been up all night trying to get your loved one back in bed cause they think it is day time.  

This is the same for those with dementia, people don't know what to say, they feel awkward with the silences and stop calling or passing by.  Where possible if you can have a few people that you can call on and will call you every now and again even if it is just to say hi, it is important that you keep the connections going, and for your loved one hearing a familiar voice of someone they know can help both of you.  

You could ask friends and family to make a voice recording of things they have been doing that week and play it back.  It is a way that they can feel included in things that are going on around them. There is lots of technology that you can use to facilitate this and it is also good for those people whose family live abroad.

For now, get together with family members and a few friends and ask them to be part of a schedule where they call once a week to see how things are going, or even come round and give you a much needed break!

UBC - Day 5 Independence - Tips for Carers

Welcome to day 5 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge - Independence - Tips for Carers

In 2001 we had a family holiday to Florida with my mum, sister and my husbands side of the family, and mum was in the early stages of dementia, living on her own and pretty much independent.  When we decided to go to one of the theme parks with mum I suggested that we get a wheel chair as there was quite a bit of walking, mum point blankly refused to even consider using it.  While I saw it as a means of convenience and getting around quickly, mum saw it as taking away her independence, and she remarked to a family friend that she needed to hold on to her independence for as long as possible as when there is no one around she is going going to have to take care of her self.  On hearing this I saw how much I needed to at times step back and let her take her own time to do things. 

The world was not going to end if she took an extra 15 minutes to do something and I had to work around her time whenever possible.  I found that while and in the midst of her loosing her independence it actually gave her a sense of being independent, and so impacted on her health and well-being and how she felt.  You have to help the ones that you are caring for feel as if they are holding on to a part of themselves especially, in an environment where nothing is the same and constantly changes as the memory decreases.

For today, give yourself that extra bit of time to get through the days activities, in doing so you create less stress and impact greatly on your overall heath and well-being.