Tuesday, 21 October 2014

UBC - Day 21 - Once a Man, Twice and Child - Tips for Carers

Welcome to the Ultimate Blog Challenge, for today.

Once a Man and Twice a Child

I never understood the saying until my dad got ill.  He had become bed-bound and needed me to help him change his clothes.  He was embarrassed and was apologetic, it was awkward, and at the time I tried to reassure him that it was alright.  He was my dad, and he needed my help, no questions asked, but I could never imagine myself doing this on a regular basis. 

Kenneth Lloyd Trought - A shining star

I wasn't around much for mum when she looked after dad and for many years after his death I surrounded myself with guilt of what I could and should have done.  But at the end of the day the guilt will only spin you round in circles and immobilize you, which doesn't help anyone, but I know how hard it is to shake.  Many find themselves in the role of a carer quite by chance, there is no else to take up the role, and it is here more than ever that we have to give a thought to how we would want to be treated if ever we found ourselves in the role of the cared for.

So many memories...
I am looking after my mum whilst my heart yearns for a mothers wisdom and advice, yet it is often met with silence, that is the hardest thing to deal with sometimes.  I think back to the care and nurturing that she gave unconditionally to us as children, and her gentle nature.  Not everyone has the love of a nurturing parent that I know, and motherhood is not an easy road to walk down.  

I care for her now as if she is my child, anticipating her needs and emotions as best I can.  There is no room for guilt about what she cannot do or my perceived limitations as her daughter, though I am not saying that from time to time the thought does run through my mind.  I remind myself that if the tables were turned she would do the same for me.

For now, recognise that you can only do your best in the situation, don't beat yourself up but find ways to celebrate their life and what they can do today.

You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.


  1. Hi Amanda - my mother was very sad she could no longer be my mother, but she recognised that I could cope. She couldn't cry after her strokes - one of the afflictions - everyone is affected differently.

    However I was lucky she was still with me and could communicate I just didn't talk about things that would upset her ... so we continued to share life - with me doing what I could to bring joy into her heart, despite being bedridden. You're so right .. it is thinking of the patient, your loved one.

    I too looked after my uncle and needed to get on with things re personal care at times ... I just did it - having been with my mother for a while .. it was considerably easier ... and for him too, as I didn't fuss and wouldn't allow him to ...

    With thoughts - Hilary

  2. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me Hilary, it is much appreciated and gives me strength. Bless you!


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