UBC - Day 25 - When Fear Strikes - Tips for Carers

Welcome to today's post, I have been stretching myself with writing these posts as I am still in some of the situations and the writing has not only been therapeutic but it is helping me to see different sides to my role as a carer.

Art from my Art Journals

When I look back I am amazed I have come this far, and that mum is a well as she can be.  I had many times when I wondered how long she actually had left and would start to stress over what needed to be done and how I felt about the matter.  Sometimes it can feels as if my whole life as been taken over by my role as her carer, and then when it stops there will be a big whole waiting to be filled.  

Fear of what is going to happen, what might happen and what could happen are all things that at some time go through your mind and you worry about.  For a long time I didn't want to ask for help as I thought I would be seen as weak and unable to cope 'I should be able to do this on my own' I thought, I was upset that I couldn't do it all, and then when I began to show the signs of stress the fear focused around whether the social workers would come and take mum and put her into a home against our wishes.  I worried about my own health and the long term affect of caring in isolation, If you don't have that support network and outlets that I talked about in previous posts, you are at risk yourself and your health could suffer.

Fear is something that can immobilize you and can cause you to spin round in despair, or it can launch you in the direction of taking action, you have to identify the source of the fear and then take steps so that the fear does not manipulate you.

I learnt over time to take things in my stride, deciding that there were going to be many things that were out of my control and the only thing that I could control was my response.  I can make decisions about what I do based on the situation presented in front of me.  If I acted out of fear then I would be tossed around from one decision to the next not knowing which solution would be for the best.  When I let go of the fear I was able to see the situation and options from more than one side.  So while you might not always able to make a difference to the consequence, you can be in control of how you get there though your actions and your own strengths and limitations.  

I constantly lean on my faith and pressing in, reach for the finish line.  I know that what presents itself isn't necessarily what it really looked like and the saying FEAR = False Expectations Appearing Real is so true.  If I show fear in my role as a carer and what I have to do, then I have to imagine what my mum must be feeling and then that is a whole different spiral.  The thing that I always come back to is looking at how I can express what I am feeling, learn to articulate it and by holding the mirror up to fear calling it out by its name and sending it on its way!

For now recognize that you will be afraid at times but identify where those fears come from and work through them, you are already doing a good job.

You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.

UBC - Day 24 - Support Network - Tips for Carers

Thank you for joining me for another day of Tips for Carers we welcome day 24.

Valerie and Laura help me celebrate my birthday

When caring for a loved one it is important to build a support network that you can call on, a group of people that can be there for you each with their different functions depending on how much time they can give.  No man is an island and not meant to go through this alone,  they say it takes a village to raise a child and I think that it takes a community to care for their elders.

Mum beats Sekani at table tennis

My good friend Valerie reminded me recently that friendship means that you can call on each other in the difficult times and as a friend if I needed her to sit with mum then she would gladly be there for me as should all friends and the feeling is mutual.  Both Valerie and Laura have been there for me and mum.

The problems arise when you are afraid to ask for help for someone to give you a break or a night to catch up with some sleep.  If you don't ask, you will never know, they might even say yes!  I think that generally most people want to help but don't know what to do, They look at you and think you have it all together, and you therefore just have to be specific about the help you need.  People cannot yet mind read and don't want to assume what type of help you need, which can sometimes be as simple as just sitting with your loved one for an hour to give you a break or stopping to have a coffee with you so that you can get some conversation.

Mum at a local church function

As you connect with a local carers group you will find a network of people that know what emotions and difficulties you go through in your caring role, and is a resource that you should make sure you use.  What are the kids doing? You can also get the children involved by sharing your memories with them and in turn get them to talk about their day or time at school with the one you are caring for, there may be something that you used to do as a child that the kids can relate to.  There are many activities that you can have ready for those who come round to visit and have some interaction with the one you are caring for, such as looking through photos, organising draws, and working together on a craft activity.  These types of activities are great for those times when people come to visit, and for some they need to feel that they are doing something practical when they visit.

Having that support network prevents feeling isolated for both you and the one you are caring for.

For now, think of 5 people friends, family and neighbors you can ask for assistance and who can be part of your support network.  If we all try and help each other we can bring back a sense of a community. 

You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.

UBC Challege - Day 23 - Guess who's Coming to Dinner? - Tip for Carers

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

He came in and sidled his way into our home without making a sound, our weekly get-together's interrupted, the sound of children's laughter and mum telling them to get their feet off the sofa. 

In the beginning it was those little things that would make you stop and wonder, shuddering at the thought, we relaxed, everyone misplaces things don't they?   The unwanted visitor waited, he sat down and ever so quietly made himself comfortable as he gazed at mum and plotted his moves, feet now under the table, he had found a new home.

He proceeded to gouge his way through her thoughts, and her memories, each day feasting on the laughter of her yesterdays.  He drank up her conversations and put up his feet on her hopes and our dreams of tomorrow.  Her desires faded, the days turned into months and then to years, she fought back, tried to give him her marching orders, but always taking, he never put back things as he found them, wandering in her mind from room to room taking those abilities learnt from childhood.  

He snatched the names of her children and memories of our dad.  It had been 24 years since he was taken from us - the stories she used to tell....  'Mum, can you tell us the story of when you met, I so long to hear you share the excitement of meeting him, with a swing in your step and laughter in your voice......mum - do you still remember?

Finding it difficult to walk, she didn't want this, to be left feeling that she is a burden - how long will they care? Not knowing why you can't understand, listening as if behind a thickened glass door that won't break'.  Sometimes I'll admit and cry out 'I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE',  I am only human, you would too.

He sits in the corner, wiping his mouth with his sleeve thinking about his next course, the rest of her speech looks tasty, already had some for his starter, yet he is still not satisfied, it is not enough, when will it be enough?

Dementia is the unwanted guest in our house, the gatecrasher, giving us no choice in the matter.  We have all been affected and relate to it in different ways, trying to come together as a family to support the one we loved and make her life the best it can be, despite the situation.

For now, recognise your circumstances for what they are, make room for changes that will take place and celebrate the life you have before you.

UBC - Day 19 - Tell Your Own Story - Tips for Carers

Welcome to today's Ultimate Blog Challenge get ready to tell your story!

We all have a story to tell, it doesn't matter who you are or what experience you have, your story is important and it needs to be told.

Mum shares her memories as a child

As a mixed media artist, I find that I use my journals a lot to tell aspects of my story or to express how I may be feeling at a particular moment.  My images, paintings and journal entries don't always have to have words.  I keep a journal just for writing as well, and first thing in the morning I spend time just writing, 3 pages or more of words whenever I can, allowing them to flow out, without censoring or hindering.

When I create a character or painting I don't start out always knowing what I want to paint, and use their gaze, smile and expression to tell the stories of pain, joy, fear and love.

I guess I also use this blog as a way to tell my story and share my journey, hoping that if only one person finds comfort or encouragement then its worth it.  I also share my story as a means of reflection.  When I can't find the words  to express how I feel, telling it in a story form can make it easier, and it is all part of the overall process.

Sharing your story reminds you of who you are.  We can often be buried under all the labels, wife, mother carer, and you can forget just who you were because that person hasn't been visible for so very long, lost in a sea of just getting by.

For now, get yourself a note book or journal and start writing and or drawing about how you are feeling, lessons learnt or advice for someone who might just be just stepping into your shoes.  Share your story with someone else you could be the inspiration that they have been praying for. 

You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.

UBC Day 18 - Time for a book - Tips for Carer

Welcome to today's Ultimate Blog Challenge, with every day an opportunity as a carer to do something different and enhance your life and those you care for.

Mum - out and about with the family

I have always loved to read, but since becoming a carer to my mother who has dementia, those things I really enjoy doing seemed to slip to the wayside.  I was running back and forwards from my mums home to my own, sometimes with time only to catch my breath, see my son, grab a quick snack and head out again. The thought of sitting down with a book and getting lost in the plot seemed far away as there was always something else to be done, and when I tried to do some reading before bed I was always too tired.

Kindle for Christmas!

One Christmas my husband got me a Kindle Fire, and it has been one of the most used gifts ever.  I wrote a review of my kindle on the blog, and I love it, I have always got it on me.  One of the great things I have been making use of is the text reading function which pretty much turns every book you buy into an audio book.  When I am in the car I select a book that I want to read and make my way to my mums.  This really kept me going for the 40 minutes drive, I was transported to wonderful destinations, and I also use it to read a lot of training books as well.  The kindle also came in handy when you were doing those tasks that didn't require you to think, but needed you physically present.  I either turn the book function on or music and it helps you to feel a bit more of a person, because you are giving back a piece of yourself.

We all need some time to ourselves!

The essence of today's post is to encourage you to find some way to best use the time you have and those in between times say if you have to wait for appointments.  There was one year where I was either going to a hospital or doctors appointment with my mum.  I found that when we were collected for an appointment by transport they would come at least and hour and a half early and then you would be left waiting around.  Armed with my kindle, I could occupy myself and my mum at the same time.  Another great feature of the kindle is being able to connect to WiFi and social media, it is like a mini tablet.

For now, try and identify some of the things that you enjoy doing that you can create a space for - remember 15 minutes each day is easier to find in your schedule than a couple of hours.  Make the most to keep yourself and your mind nourished as you go about your caring role.

You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.

UBC - Day 17 - Taking a Break - Tips for Carers and Gratitude's and Celebrations Journal - Week 61

Blessings to you as you connect for another day of 'Tips for Carers'.  I am glad that I am participating in the Ultimate Blog Challenge, as it has reminded me of all the useful information that I have gained and I am very happy to share. As today is Friday I will be sharing some of the images from my Gratitude's and Celebration Journal, and the word for today is 'Recognition', and we are on week 61.

Recognition

On Day 11 I spoke about getting some fresh air, and that meant going outside and if possible walking round the block, walking say 10 minutes in one direction then coming back, making the most of those snippets of time you may have within your day.

For some this is all they can managed because of their circumstances, so what I am going to suggest will take a bit more thought and organisation.  Some boroughs offer funding so that as a carer you can take a break from your caring role and take part in local activities or use it to have a mini break. When you think of what you do in your caring role, getting a break every now and then is the least, you can ask for, to restore your batteries and enable you to keep going.

Mixed Media Art - Amanda Trought

The first time I applied for the funding I used the money to book a series of monthly massages.  So for one hour once a month I was able to nurture myself and feel whole and able to continue in the role. At some point in your journey you have to recognise all that you have been giving and contributing, putting needs aside and taking our bodies and lives for granted until they are unable to do what we want them to do.  If you have a car you regularly oil and service it, generally you look after it to keep it in good running order, so why not your body?

If you take the time to organise an activity just for you, you will definitely feel the results and it means that you have an outlet outside of the caring role.  You could also see if among family and friends you can organise for someone to give you a break and take the time to go to a cafe or walk in the park, perhaps do something creative and go further a field to a gallery or art shop.  These are my favorite mini breaks, being able to be inspired by the creativity of others or potter around the arts and crafts aisles.

I am grateful for all the small things that make such a difference to our lives, and the impact that they can have.  I am also grateful for the support of family and friends which makes all the difference for which I celebrate the blessings on their lives.

For now, check with your local carers center about any funding available and apply.  While you are still waiting, schedule an activity that is just for you and make a date to keep it!

You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.

UBC Day 16 - Tips for Carers - Home environment

Welcome to the Ultimate Blog Challenge, Day 16.  My focus for the past couple of weeks has been sharing my tips for those who are carers or are soon to be, and also for those who know carers that may benefit from some suggestions to help them as they work through their role.

Today I want to talk about environment, and the things that you can do in the space that you or the one the you care for lives in if they are still able to live in their own home. 

Over the years I have found it so important to adjust where necessary with regards to my mums home and her general environment.  When she first started to show signs of dementia we wanted to make being independent in her own home as easy as possible for her.  We used to prepare meals and put them into containers for her so that she didn't have to worry about using the cooker to cook a full meal but could heat up her food as needed.  We found that labeling cupboards and key things around the house helped her to navigate her way around.  We did at one point arrange for Meals on Wheels to deliver food, but it didn't work for her, and her perception of their service was that they were for people who couldn't help themselves and she didn't see herself in that position.  Simple things like putting the tea, sugar and biscuits on a tray near the kettle meant that she could quite easily find what she was looking for in one place

Change from one space to another can make a big difference

I found that clearing the clutter around the home and brightening the rooms helped, there was less things to have to tidy up because in her search to locate something she would turn the place inside out, and it allowed her to move around easier, but also enabled her to locate what she wanted in the home.  Mum's vision was being effected I found that having highly patterned furniture and carpets effected her perception of her surroundings, so where possible we had to change these.

Create a clear space

My recent adaptation has been to move mum from her previous home, the one we grew up in as kids, into one that facilitates the use of a wheelchair and is adapted for her needs, such as a wet room. It wasn't an easy decision as I had the emotional ties to our childhood home, but when she began to find walking difficult and we had to start using a wheel chair It got increasingly stressful carrying the chair up and down the stairs, and took a toll on her as well.  I think that she is happier in the new flat.  

Create a space that suits your needs

As the years have passed and mum has declined and slowed down, I have tried to ensure that I am one step ahead and think about what she would need as time goes on before she needs it, but I also encourage her to make an effort and do what she can as much as possible to keep some independence, however small.

You may be limited in the physical changes that you can make to your home but there is always something you can do which will not only help the one that you are caring for but also help you and could make a big impact on your role as the care giver.

For now, think about your space and the needs of the one that you are caring for and how this is affecting you.  What simple changes can be made to the environment that will impact on their well-being,  It might be as simple as putting stuff away and painting the room that can create a brighter environment, start thinking about what you can do and take a step to make the change.

If you want more Tips for Carers click HERE. You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.

UBC - Day 15 - Eating Healthy - Tips for Carers

Welcome to day 15 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge and my focus on Tips for Carers.  These tips have been things that I have found helps me, and I hope you have found some of the tips useful, and would love to hear about some of the things you have been doing.

When you spend a large proportion of your time caring for someone there are often things that slip, and you tell yourself you will sort later.  Eating healthily is one of those things.  It is so important, the very fuel that you need to carry out your tasks needs to be of a good quality.  You have to make sure that you have a balanced diet, nutrient rich so that you can get all that you possibly can.  When the body is under stress the levels of vitamins and minerals within your body reduces dramatically, and you therefore need a constant top up as you go along.

Importance of eating healthily for Carers

You also need to ensure that the one you are caring for also has a balanced diet, as this could have an impact on their overall health. When you are not eating good quality food, it affects the energy level, your mental clarity, and your general health and there are lots of books which can tell you the side effects of not getting certain nutrients into the body.

Smoothie Love - Day 2 of 30 delicious drinks

We recently brought a nutri-bullet and we have been blending a combinations of greens, fruit and nuts and seeds, it can be a complete meal in itself once you have finished, but this means that you are getting a whole range of vitamins and minerals that you might not have been able to get if you tried to eat them all at once.  I have found that the smoothie is easy to digest and it means that it is a healthy option that mum can have alongside her food that is good for her.  We have definitely seen the benefits in mums general health from drinking a daily smoothie.

As you improve your eating habits and introduce more fruit and vegetables, you will notice the difference in your outlook, energy levels and fitness. Speak to your doctor and check out the many programs, books, and online help that you can get to think about changing your diet.

A good balance of fruit, nuts, and seeds to your diet

For now think about investing in a smoothie maker or juicer. Take a look at what you are consuming on a daily basis, and try and increase your fruit and vegetable content and most importantly - drink more water!  Check out my Smoothie recipes for some great tasting drinks full of natural goodness.

You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.

UBC - Day 13 and 14 - Time to Talk - Tips for Carers

Welcome to the Ultimate Blog Challenge for today, hope your day is a blessed one!

In Sundays post I mentioned joining your local Carers group and the support and friendship that you will find if you get to know other carers.  The Carers groups have so much information, training and resources available that you will find something that will assist you in your role.

Compartments - example of how the different areas of life are managed in their neat little boxes

The thing that I wanted to focus on today was to look at resources available to allow you to talk about your role.  This is different from sitting in a group and sharing your experience, which is very helpful, but this is a one to one.

You would be surprised the amount of emotions that you go through that very often you don't have time to think about, but they are there in the background and come out in the way that you treat yourself, ie 'lack of self care' or how you respond to your caring role and what it involves.

Compartments holding hidden compartments beneath, as a way of managing the situation

As carers we can give ourselves a hard time because we feel that we should be able to cope, we don't want to ask for advice or help and we shoulder it all, locking our feelings away inside. There was nothing that prepared me for the role of caring for my mother.  One minute she was fine and I would visit on a Sunday, have dinner, chat for a while then go home and then the next I was having to leave my son at home while I stayed at my mums overnight, looking after her sometimes 3-4 nights a week.  I got stressed out, resentful, but locked my feelings inside.  I love my mum to bits but I wasn't coping and missing out on my son growing up.

Hidden faces of a carer - you see the face that is coping when beneath tells a different story

Accessing the Carers group put me in touch with a service called 'Time to Talk', which was 6 sessions with a therapist/counselor.  Whilst I was the sort of person that loved to talk the idea of sharing how I felt about my role as a carer was out of the question.  As the sessions went on I realised that talking about the situation and what I was finding difficult would actually help me get the necessary support to care for mum, which meant that I could spend the time with her, but also spend time with my son.

Hidden Faces - revealing a range of faces that are going through

I was able to articulate what I needed to help us as a family, address the guilt I felt, which was about things that I had no control over - it's not my fault that mum has dementia.  I could stop taking on the burdens of this world and spend quality time with those I cared for.  

We know that those who care take a large portion of the burden from the communities that they live and not every borough provides the same amount of support and assistance to help those who need care to stay in their own homes, and the communities that they live are fragmented, so that an elderly person can go for weeks at a time without speaking to another person.  

Selection of art produced in Art Therapy class

The other thing that might help you address some of your feelings is getting involved in Art Therapy groups and a number of them are running specifically for those who are carers. I was again able to take part in a series of 12 sessions that allowed me play with the art materials, spend time for myself, but also produced work that without having to articulate expressed how I felt, the work that you can see in this post enabled me to express visually how I felt, and how I wanted to feel.

Encouraging post cards to post to myself over a period of time as a reminder to make time for myself

For now recognise the importance of communication, talking about what the role that your talking on has impacted on your life.  Talk about the guilt, the fear, accept that you may not want to do the role that your doing, talking about those tough things will make how you relate to your role and help you move forward.  Also try and incorporate some creativity in your day to day, I will be creating a series of short tutorial videos to show you how you can get your creative juices flowing in coming weeks.   Also ask at your Carers Group if they run any Art Therapy sessions that you can join.

You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.

31 Tips for Carers

31 Tips for Carers

During the month of October I am taking part in the Ultimate Blog Challenge.  The overall title for my posts is 31 Tips for Carers.  It is a combination of things that I have done and found useful in my walk as a carer.  For ease, I thought that I would put all the posts that I had written together in one place.  If you want to get in touch with me about any of the tips do leave a message, share your experiences and any tips that you have found useful!

Reflections and Understanding

Celebrate Your Life - Day 31

Permission to Breath - Day 30

Long Term Plans - Day 29

Each Day is a Gift - Make it special - Day 28

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff - Day 27

Dealing with the Loss - Day 26

When Fear Strikes - Day 25

Support Network - Day 24

Guess who is coming to dinner - Day 23

Caring Faith - Day 22

Once a man, twice a child - Day 21

Being Practical - Day 20

Tell Your own story - Day 19

Time for a Book - Day 18

Taking a break - Day 17

Home Environment - Day 16

Eating Healthily - Day 15

Time to Talk - Day 13 & 14

Local Resources - Day 12

Fresh Air - Day 11

Release - Day 10

Day 9 - to come...

Day 8 - to come...

Encourage - Day 7

Family and Friends - Day 6

Independence - Day 5

Remember their Story - Day 4

Savor - Day 3

Organise - Day 2

Adapt - Day 1

Come back tomorrow for another tip!

If you want to read about some of my experiences as a carer as I look after my mum who has dementia, check out the image below and it will take you to the posts.