UBC Challege - Day 23 - Guess who's Coming to Dinner? - Tip for Carers

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

He came in and sidled his way into our home without making a sound, our weekly get-together's interrupted, the sound of children's laughter and mum telling them to get their feet off the sofa. 

In the beginning it was those little things that would make you stop and wonder, shuddering at the thought, we relaxed, everyone misplaces things don't they?   The unwanted visitor waited, he sat down and ever so quietly made himself comfortable as he gazed at mum and plotted his moves, feet now under the table, he had found a new home.

He proceeded to gouge his way through her thoughts, and her memories, each day feasting on the laughter of her yesterdays.  He drank up her conversations and put up his feet on her hopes and our dreams of tomorrow.  Her desires faded, the days turned into months and then to years, she fought back, tried to give him her marching orders, but always taking, he never put back things as he found them, wandering in her mind from room to room taking those abilities learnt from childhood.  

He snatched the names of her children and memories of our dad.  It had been 24 years since he was taken from us - the stories she used to tell....  'Mum, can you tell us the story of when you met, I so long to hear you share the excitement of meeting him, with a swing in your step and laughter in your voice......mum - do you still remember?

Finding it difficult to walk, she didn't want this, to be left feeling that she is a burden - how long will they care? Not knowing why you can't understand, listening as if behind a thickened glass door that won't break'.  Sometimes I'll admit and cry out 'I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE',  I am only human, you would too.

He sits in the corner, wiping his mouth with his sleeve thinking about his next course, the rest of her speech looks tasty, already had some for his starter, yet he is still not satisfied, it is not enough, when will it be enough?

Dementia is the unwanted guest in our house, the gatecrasher, giving us no choice in the matter.  We have all been affected and relate to it in different ways, trying to come together as a family to support the one we loved and make her life the best it can be, despite the situation.

For now, recognise your circumstances for what they are, make room for changes that will take place and celebrate the life you have before you.

UBC - Day 22 - Caring Faith - Tips for Carers

Smile

Welcome to the Ultimate Blog Challenge for today, we are over half way through and I hope that some of the tips that I have shared have been helpful to you.

Faith

My faith, my belief has been the one thing that is constant in my life, it is the thing that lifts me up when I am down, and ministers to me when I cannot see a way.  Because of my faith and my spiritual walk I find the strength to do what I do today.  

When I feel that there is no hope, my faith and belief in God reminds me that  God not only loves me for who I am but he gives me strength when I have had a difficult time with mum and she doesn't want to go to bed to sleep.  He reminds me that when I was ill mum would stay up with me and tend to my needs.  When mum won't eat and I get frustrated cause of the effort it takes God reminds me to let go of the emotional ties to food that I have and when mum is ready to eat she will.

My faith helped me to see mums dementia from her perspective, to constantly ask myself how she must be feeling and to give her space and time to express what she needs and to challenge myself.  When I work to her time there is less need to get stressed about how long it takes or whether or not she wants to do something.

I learnt through faith to be patient, to love unconditionally to be humble, dementia and its affects on lives has humbled me.  It has affected all of our lives in one way or another and I don't take my life for granted and i don't take her life for granted.  Mum can still live a full of grace, peace joy and love.

My faith reminds me that I have to make the most of everything that mum can do and how she is feeling. She still feels emotions though not always able to express how she  is feeling her life is precious in Gods eyes.  As I spend time in his word I am reminded that he gives me strength each and every day.  He will never leave or forsake me.

Art Journal Page

For now, think about your spiritual walk, we do not go through this alone and God will guide you through if you let him.  He will walk by your side in the good times and carry and comfort you in the hard times.  How has your faith comforted you?

You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.

UBC - Day 21 - Once a Man, Twice and Child - Tips for Carers

Welcome to the Ultimate Blog Challenge, for today.

Once a Man and Twice a Child

I never understood the saying until my dad got ill.  He had become bed-bound and needed me to help him change his clothes.  He was embarrassed and was apologetic, it was awkward, and at the time I tried to reassure him that it was alright.  He was my dad, and he needed my help, no questions asked, but I could never imagine myself doing this on a regular basis. 

Kenneth Lloyd Trought - A shining star

I wasn't around much for mum when she looked after dad and for many years after his death I surrounded myself with guilt of what I could and should have done.  But at the end of the day the guilt will only spin you round in circles and immobilize you, which doesn't help anyone, but I know how hard it is to shake.  Many find themselves in the role of a carer quite by chance, there is no else to take up the role, and it is here more than ever that we have to give a thought to how we would want to be treated if ever we found ourselves in the role of the cared for.

So many memories...

I am looking after my mum whilst my heart yearns for a mothers wisdom and advice, yet it is often met with silence, that is the hardest thing to deal with sometimes.  I think back to the care and nurturing that she gave unconditionally to us as children, and her gentle nature.  Not everyone has the love of a nurturing parent that I know, and motherhood is not an easy road to walk down.  

I care for her now as if she is my child, anticipating her needs and emotions as best I can.  There is no room for guilt about what she cannot do or my perceived limitations as her daughter, though I am not saying that from time to time the thought does run through my mind.  I remind myself that if the tables were turned she would do the same for me.

For now, recognise that you can only do your best in the situation, don't beat yourself up but find ways to celebrate their life and what they can do today.

You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.

UBC - Day 20 - Being Practical - Tips for Carers

Welcome to the Ultimate Blog Challenge for today.  Rome wasn't built in a day and some times it can take a while to sort out and organise your own household, let alone another, so today's tip is about being practical.  

Practicalities

Being a carer brings with it a lot of emotional stuff, but to deal with the situation you are going to have to look at what you do and see it from a practical side, and get what needs to be done first then think about how it makes you feel. Sometimes you need to work with what you have as very often the thing that we think we need is right in front of our faces.  No one can be on call 24 hours a day, so if you can create some systems and schedules it will help you keep a track of things. 

Asking for Help

There is only so much you can do, so asking for help is something that you need to get used to.  Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is the thing that can enable you to handle your role in a more effective way, and keep you sane at the same time.  I found what helped me was having set things that could be done depending on the situation, grouping activities that could be done at one time, this also called me to be flexible as nothing was set in stone.  I try and think about what I need to do and what needs to be done, if you try and do too much you will burn yourself out.

  

Saving time

I try and make sure that I can have enough things in place and when I am feeling full of energy I can do more, but when I am tired, I can make adjustments as I go on.  If you have access to a computer you can try and automate things that you need to do like paying bills, prescriptions, even doing some of the heavy shopping online, and try and save some much needed time.   

It is important to keep the one that you are caring for as active and mobile as possible, this enables them to remain independent.  You might find that doing things yourself might be quicker, but if you let them get involved it not only impacts on their self esteem, and this will help you if they feel that they are contributing.  My aim with my mum is to keep her as mobile and active as possible and constantly encourage her to move about where she can, to exercise dispute having to use a wheel chair, keeping her stimulated and engaged helps me in the long run because it slows down the decline and in turn keeps her as independent as possible.

For now try and identify the regular things that you do that can be organised to take up less time, don't feel bad about asking for help, the answer could be 'yes' or you can organise some of the repetitive activities so it fits into a workable schedule.

You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.

UBC - Day 19 - Tell Your Own Story - Tips for Carers

Welcome to today's Ultimate Blog Challenge get ready to tell your story!

We all have a story to tell, it doesn't matter who you are or what experience you have, your story is important and it needs to be told.

Mum shares her memories as a child

As a mixed media artist, I find that I use my journals a lot to tell aspects of my story or to express how I may be feeling at a particular moment.  My images, paintings and journal entries don't always have to have words.  I keep a journal just for writing as well, and first thing in the morning I spend time just writing, 3 pages or more of words whenever I can, allowing them to flow out, without censoring or hindering.

When I create a character or painting I don't start out always knowing what I want to paint, and use their gaze, smile and expression to tell the stories of pain, joy, fear and love.

I guess I also use this blog as a way to tell my story and share my journey, hoping that if only one person finds comfort or encouragement then its worth it.  I also share my story as a means of reflection.  When I can't find the words  to express how I feel, telling it in a story form can make it easier, and it is all part of the overall process.

Sharing your story reminds you of who you are.  We can often be buried under all the labels, wife, mother carer, and you can forget just who you were because that person hasn't been visible for so very long, lost in a sea of just getting by.

For now, get yourself a note book or journal and start writing and or drawing about how you are feeling, lessons learnt or advice for someone who might just be just stepping into your shoes.  Share your story with someone else you could be the inspiration that they have been praying for. 

You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.

UBC Day 16 - Tips for Carers - Home environment

Welcome to the Ultimate Blog Challenge, Day 16.  My focus for the past couple of weeks has been sharing my tips for those who are carers or are soon to be, and also for those who know carers that may benefit from some suggestions to help them as they work through their role.

Today I want to talk about environment, and the things that you can do in the space that you or the one the you care for lives in if they are still able to live in their own home. 

Over the years I have found it so important to adjust where necessary with regards to my mums home and her general environment.  When she first started to show signs of dementia we wanted to make being independent in her own home as easy as possible for her.  We used to prepare meals and put them into containers for her so that she didn't have to worry about using the cooker to cook a full meal but could heat up her food as needed.  We found that labeling cupboards and key things around the house helped her to navigate her way around.  We did at one point arrange for Meals on Wheels to deliver food, but it didn't work for her, and her perception of their service was that they were for people who couldn't help themselves and she didn't see herself in that position.  Simple things like putting the tea, sugar and biscuits on a tray near the kettle meant that she could quite easily find what she was looking for in one place

Change from one space to another can make a big difference

I found that clearing the clutter around the home and brightening the rooms helped, there was less things to have to tidy up because in her search to locate something she would turn the place inside out, and it allowed her to move around easier, but also enabled her to locate what she wanted in the home.  Mum's vision was being effected I found that having highly patterned furniture and carpets effected her perception of her surroundings, so where possible we had to change these.

Create a clear space

My recent adaptation has been to move mum from her previous home, the one we grew up in as kids, into one that facilitates the use of a wheelchair and is adapted for her needs, such as a wet room. It wasn't an easy decision as I had the emotional ties to our childhood home, but when she began to find walking difficult and we had to start using a wheel chair It got increasingly stressful carrying the chair up and down the stairs, and took a toll on her as well.  I think that she is happier in the new flat.  

Create a space that suits your needs

As the years have passed and mum has declined and slowed down, I have tried to ensure that I am one step ahead and think about what she would need as time goes on before she needs it, but I also encourage her to make an effort and do what she can as much as possible to keep some independence, however small.

You may be limited in the physical changes that you can make to your home but there is always something you can do which will not only help the one that you are caring for but also help you and could make a big impact on your role as the care giver.

For now, think about your space and the needs of the one that you are caring for and how this is affecting you.  What simple changes can be made to the environment that will impact on their well-being,  It might be as simple as putting stuff away and painting the room that can create a brighter environment, start thinking about what you can do and take a step to make the change.

If you want more Tips for Carers click HERE. You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.

UBC - Day 15 - Eating Healthy - Tips for Carers

Welcome to day 15 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge and my focus on Tips for Carers.  These tips have been things that I have found helps me, and I hope you have found some of the tips useful, and would love to hear about some of the things you have been doing.

When you spend a large proportion of your time caring for someone there are often things that slip, and you tell yourself you will sort later.  Eating healthily is one of those things.  It is so important, the very fuel that you need to carry out your tasks needs to be of a good quality.  You have to make sure that you have a balanced diet, nutrient rich so that you can get all that you possibly can.  When the body is under stress the levels of vitamins and minerals within your body reduces dramatically, and you therefore need a constant top up as you go along.

Importance of eating healthily for Carers

You also need to ensure that the one you are caring for also has a balanced diet, as this could have an impact on their overall health. When you are not eating good quality food, it affects the energy level, your mental clarity, and your general health and there are lots of books which can tell you the side effects of not getting certain nutrients into the body.

Smoothie Love - Day 2 of 30 delicious drinks

We recently brought a nutri-bullet and we have been blending a combinations of greens, fruit and nuts and seeds, it can be a complete meal in itself once you have finished, but this means that you are getting a whole range of vitamins and minerals that you might not have been able to get if you tried to eat them all at once.  I have found that the smoothie is easy to digest and it means that it is a healthy option that mum can have alongside her food that is good for her.  We have definitely seen the benefits in mums general health from drinking a daily smoothie.

As you improve your eating habits and introduce more fruit and vegetables, you will notice the difference in your outlook, energy levels and fitness. Speak to your doctor and check out the many programs, books, and online help that you can get to think about changing your diet.

A good balance of fruit, nuts, and seeds to your diet

For now think about investing in a smoothie maker or juicer. Take a look at what you are consuming on a daily basis, and try and increase your fruit and vegetable content and most importantly - drink more water!  Check out my Smoothie recipes for some great tasting drinks full of natural goodness.

You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.

UBC - Day 13 and 14 - Time to Talk - Tips for Carers

Welcome to the Ultimate Blog Challenge for today, hope your day is a blessed one!

In Sundays post I mentioned joining your local Carers group and the support and friendship that you will find if you get to know other carers.  The Carers groups have so much information, training and resources available that you will find something that will assist you in your role.

Compartments - example of how the different areas of life are managed in their neat little boxes

The thing that I wanted to focus on today was to look at resources available to allow you to talk about your role.  This is different from sitting in a group and sharing your experience, which is very helpful, but this is a one to one.

You would be surprised the amount of emotions that you go through that very often you don't have time to think about, but they are there in the background and come out in the way that you treat yourself, ie 'lack of self care' or how you respond to your caring role and what it involves.

Compartments holding hidden compartments beneath, as a way of managing the situation

As carers we can give ourselves a hard time because we feel that we should be able to cope, we don't want to ask for advice or help and we shoulder it all, locking our feelings away inside. There was nothing that prepared me for the role of caring for my mother.  One minute she was fine and I would visit on a Sunday, have dinner, chat for a while then go home and then the next I was having to leave my son at home while I stayed at my mums overnight, looking after her sometimes 3-4 nights a week.  I got stressed out, resentful, but locked my feelings inside.  I love my mum to bits but I wasn't coping and missing out on my son growing up.

Hidden faces of a carer - you see the face that is coping when beneath tells a different story

Accessing the Carers group put me in touch with a service called 'Time to Talk', which was 6 sessions with a therapist/counselor.  Whilst I was the sort of person that loved to talk the idea of sharing how I felt about my role as a carer was out of the question.  As the sessions went on I realised that talking about the situation and what I was finding difficult would actually help me get the necessary support to care for mum, which meant that I could spend the time with her, but also spend time with my son.

Hidden Faces - revealing a range of faces that are going through

I was able to articulate what I needed to help us as a family, address the guilt I felt, which was about things that I had no control over - it's not my fault that mum has dementia.  I could stop taking on the burdens of this world and spend quality time with those I cared for.  

We know that those who care take a large portion of the burden from the communities that they live and not every borough provides the same amount of support and assistance to help those who need care to stay in their own homes, and the communities that they live are fragmented, so that an elderly person can go for weeks at a time without speaking to another person.  

Selection of art produced in Art Therapy class

The other thing that might help you address some of your feelings is getting involved in Art Therapy groups and a number of them are running specifically for those who are carers. I was again able to take part in a series of 12 sessions that allowed me play with the art materials, spend time for myself, but also produced work that without having to articulate expressed how I felt, the work that you can see in this post enabled me to express visually how I felt, and how I wanted to feel.

Encouraging post cards to post to myself over a period of time as a reminder to make time for myself

For now recognise the importance of communication, talking about what the role that your talking on has impacted on your life.  Talk about the guilt, the fear, accept that you may not want to do the role that your doing, talking about those tough things will make how you relate to your role and help you move forward.  Also try and incorporate some creativity in your day to day, I will be creating a series of short tutorial videos to show you how you can get your creative juices flowing in coming weeks.   Also ask at your Carers Group if they run any Art Therapy sessions that you can join.

You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.

31 Tips for Carers

31 Tips for Carers

During the month of October I am taking part in the Ultimate Blog Challenge.  The overall title for my posts is 31 Tips for Carers.  It is a combination of things that I have done and found useful in my walk as a carer.  For ease, I thought that I would put all the posts that I had written together in one place.  If you want to get in touch with me about any of the tips do leave a message, share your experiences and any tips that you have found useful!

Reflections and Understanding

Celebrate Your Life - Day 31

Permission to Breath - Day 30

Long Term Plans - Day 29

Each Day is a Gift - Make it special - Day 28

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff - Day 27

Dealing with the Loss - Day 26

When Fear Strikes - Day 25

Support Network - Day 24

Guess who is coming to dinner - Day 23

Caring Faith - Day 22

Once a man, twice a child - Day 21

Being Practical - Day 20

Tell Your own story - Day 19

Time for a Book - Day 18

Taking a break - Day 17

Home Environment - Day 16

Eating Healthily - Day 15

Time to Talk - Day 13 & 14

Local Resources - Day 12

Fresh Air - Day 11

Release - Day 10

Day 9 - to come...

Day 8 - to come...

Encourage - Day 7

Family and Friends - Day 6

Independence - Day 5

Remember their Story - Day 4

Savor - Day 3

Organise - Day 2

Adapt - Day 1

Come back tomorrow for another tip!

If you want to read about some of my experiences as a carer as I look after my mum who has dementia, check out the image below and it will take you to the posts.