Longing - Creating in Faith

Welcome to Creating in Faith.  I am now sharing these posts on my podcast with additional insights and you can listen to the podcast below.  There are also some great comments that were made on the original post which also adds some insight to the topic and may be able to bless you.

There are many things if we think about them carefully that we long for.  Some are to make us feel better within ourselves, some for the benefit of other people.  I have come to know and experienced the longing that stirs deep within and that feels like it cannot be remedied - found hand in hand with loss.

 

In my younger days I had many desires, I would have been convinced that some of which I could not live without, and thinking about them now see them as trivial and unimportant. My maturity makes sense of the world and understands how views, and desires change, and in my youth often with the wind.

My thoughts on longing are around the loss of a loved ones - a child, father, best friend and more recently brother.  You wonder how much your heart can take, never for one minute thinking that you will have to bear the callouses of yet another loss.  My longing is wrapped up in wanting to see them again, to say those words that never got said, to feel their presence one more time, to stop for a moment the ache, that dull ache which rests deep within.  There are momentary distractions and life feels like normal, you can breath again and sometimes laugh.  Then you remember, something missing, something you took for granted that it would always be there but you realise a hole remains.  Is it a round peg or a square, whatever shape it is it feels as if there is nothing that can fill it. 

Time they say is a healer it gets better.  I can say that I still wonder what my son Cairo who would be turning 24 this year would be accomplishing and what adventures he would have got up to.  My dad would have been in his 80's there was still so much wisdom untapped and how he would have had so much fun with his grandchildren.  Barbara spurred me on in my journey as an artist we shared much laughter and supported each other, and now my Brother Robert.  I think of him constantly wondering how I can use my creativity to take away the ache, knowing that he would expect me to do all the things I shared with him from my hopes and dreams.  

The longing doesn't go away I guess my you find different ways to respond, and my creativity allows me to say those things I still want to say, and when I don't know what or how I should feel I just stay still and listen.

My faith helps me to put one foot in front of the other taking one day, one thought, one step at a time.  My creativity is helping me to say those things that I need to say whether it is a painting, piece of writing, poetry or something that I have created.  They go hand in hand bridging the gap between the words unsaid, mutterings and groans from the heart, laughter and tears on the opposite sides of the same coin and the understanding that has come over time.

There will always be a longing, we can't hide or pretend.  Some days it will be easier, and others not so easy.  We learn to embrace, to share the memories, to talk about our loved ones as if they are in the next room.  We remember them the good and bad times, the tests and the triumphs and we keep taking those steps reminded of the fragility and remembering to laugh....

Do some work in your art journal and see what areas you want to focus on and express either through colour, words, song, photographs and more.

Stay blessed and be a blessing.

Podcast Episode 65 - Creating in Faith - Loss and Purpose

Come and join me on the podcast.

In today's episode I talk about loss and purpose. What do we do with the feelings of the loss of a loved one. When does the weeping turn to joy and how can we walk through the pain into the blessings of their memories.

There are so many of us who feel that if we don't think about the person then we won't feel the pain of loosing them but the opposite is true, we will try and numb the pain but we will still feel it, coming in waves when something reminds us of them, and it could be the smallest random thing that sparks it off.

I found that the more I thought about all the things that we did together, and laughed at those moments it helped me wade through the pain.  The more I did it I found that when I did think about them I would think back to joyous times, the times we shared and the things that they would have wanted to be remembered for.  One of the saddest things we can do is to decide not to think about the person as if they never existed because we cannot bear the pain, without realizing that when we do journey through instead of covering up we will have some amazing stories of strength, love and compassion, our memories of our loved ones will intensify without the pain, and we will be able to find laughter at those times we shared.

You are not alone

I will always miss the physical presence of the person but the feeling of their spiritual presence as if they were in the room sharing the moments that I am going through fills me with comfort.  

If you are going through the loss of a loved one, take your time, it is a gradual process and I am here if you want to share.  If you are able to journal or do something in your art journal you will also find comfort in creativity.  Don't shut yourself away but reach out and as you are blessed be a blessing to another.

UBC Day 26 - Dealing with the loss - Tips for Carers

Dealing with the Loss

Welcome to day 26, How do you or have you dealt with loss, and what understanding can come from it?  

When we lose a loved one, it is hard to believe that they are gone, they were there one day and then the next they are not.  They go suddenly or they could go after having been ill for a while and you watch them drift away from you.  I experienced both types, an emptiness resides within you and there isn't a day that goes by when you don’t think of them, you go over thoughts, things you could have said, memories, laughter, I would trade it for another day spent with them.

In the space of 3 years, I lost my best friend, Barbara to a brain hemorrhage, and my brother Robert to Myeloma Cancer.  I often feel that in both relationships with them there were so many things that I took for granted never giving a thought that I would possibly go through days like this.

At times I get that feeling of loss when I am with my mum, because she no longer quite remembers who I am.  She says my name as if she is referring to someone else that she knows and never addresses me as Amanda.  She can’t tell me of her memories of me as a child or the motherhood pearls of wisdom gained through experience.  This loss is different isn't it, she is still here, still breathing, interacting in her own way.

As I watched videos of mum in the early days of the dementia, I see that she was be so outgoing – much more than when we were children and we gained a different side to her personality.  She was always up for doing something new and had an adventurous spirit.  She laughed more, danced more and during this time she talked a lot about dad, sharing those tales of their first meeting.  Mum helped me deal with the loss of my dad passing even after all those years, and she talked about him all the time, talking about where and when they met and her eyes would light up as she told the story, it was great to see, this kept the memories alive and helped to focus on the good times. I realized that I took her for granted even then, thinking that she would never get any worse not seeing the corners that she was turning in her mind as the dementia took hold.

The biggest lesson that I learn about loss is that you must make the most of all the relationships you have, don’t wait another day to tell someone that you love them, or call someone up that you were thinking about.  We never know when we will lose those nearest and dearest to us and we have to make the most of them while they are around.

For now, recognize that there will be many stages that you will need to deal with and you need to take it one day at a time valuing each and every moment.  Don’t take any of your relationships for granted.

You can also click on the 'Celebrating life' image to be taken to the rest of the posts from the Journey of a Carer.

Word for the Week - Psalm 27:4

Dedicated to my wonderful, brave, encouraging, loving Brother Robert, who was also a husband, son, father, uncle, friend, supporter, who was  all the things you could ever want in a brother and then some! Who is truly in the House of the Lord, who sought him and is gazing upon his beauty......

Showing Sekani, Jorrell and Symphonie some moves!

Show your support HERE

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. Psalm 27:4

Taking time out

I've taken time out, so it seems, well, its pretty evident.  Not sure what happened, felt stuck, as if I were in a fog and could only see a hands width in front of me.  I didn't know when it started, but it felt like the moment that I had resolved to make changes that there would be some resistance.

I think I had taken to much on my plate, as well as posting I am taking part in the courses - Soul Food and Life book, as well as dealing with the day to day.  I think the challenge would have been fine if I didn't try and do a vlog and edit and post. Keeping it real via the video is what I wanted but it seem to take forever and a day to load a 15 minute ramble, and then the fog came, and I stopped.

On top of all this as a family we have mourned the loss of my brother - Robert, there is no preparation to how you will feel, or how to deal with it all, .  The year has gone quickly, it's weird, and then again feels like forever, the loss still raw in our hearts and minds.  We remember his joy, his sense of humor, his love, warmth, his strength.

I paint, I draw, I create, as a way through.  I remember my conversations with Robert and the things I said I would explore, so many things that I don't want to let anymore time pass before I get to do them, and so I change.  Change is good.  I am still going to make the healthy changes that I said I would, I just won't worry about giving you a blow by blow video update, because essentially I want to pour all of that time into creating. I want to paint, I need to paint, it has become as essential to my heart as breathing is to my lungs, and a way to allow the heart to heal from the loss of the past few years.  Perhaps this is another lesson learnt from the challenge.

I will share with you some of the pieces as I finish them, and I am quite excited by the some of them. This painting is called Together...it is about our relationships

Together - Mixed media

Together - Though time and dimensions may separate, you will always be in my heart. Came from the same source to lead different lives, you were a strength and a support from the start.

We have to invest in our relationships and make the most of every opportunity, and knowing our purpose live as if it were our last day on the earth. 

Blessings always!

We have raised £1530 for Myeloma UK, if you want to donate you can do so HERE

Gratitudes and Celebration - Week 40 - Triumphs and Trials

Trials will come, but then so will triumphs...

Life has its ups and downs, we have problems they are fixed or sometimes not, we ask for help, we find a way, solutions present themselves and sometimes we experience the grief of loss.

After losing my brother to cancer last year and my best friend to a brain tumor three years ago, while continuing to look after my mother with dementia I sometimes felt numb.   I still do feel numb at times, on automatic pilot, not wanting to believe that they are gone.  With the mother I thought was invincible and who seems to be disappearing before me I find that I busy myself in practical activities that ensures her health and well-being are taken care of.  

I am still going through what seems like a trial I never thought I would have to face, I have to learn to navigate the territory that comes with grief and sadness and at unexpected times my thoughts are consumed with the loss and the continued loss that dementia brings. But laughter exists, mums playful spirit prevails and in the midst of it she can bring joy to the situation.

As I deal with each day at a time I find comfort in being grateful for the small things that can bring a smile, as do reminiscing and sharing childhood antics.  I celebrate the gift of healing of what can seem like a broken heart that will come with time. 

What small thing can you find to be grateful for in the midst of whatever situation you are in right now? 

Gratitude's and Celebration Journal

Have a blessed weekend! If you want to see how I made the journal (click here) Blessings!

Creating in Faith - Loss and purpose

At some point in your life you will experience loss.

 

I have been finding in my 40’s that there is an increase in people I know who have either passed or have illnesses with very serious prognosis.  You never imaging yourself to be in that position, can’t prepare for it and when it comes it leaves a hole that seems impossible to fill.   

Almost 20 years after my father passed I still have dreams about him in totally new situations. In the beginning the dreams would be of him during his illness.  As the dreams progressed he would get stronger until one dream he was lifting a wardrobe and I asked him if he could be more careful because of the illness, he laughed and told me he was fine.  In my most recent dream he came to my mum’s home and had a friend with him.  He was dressed really smart and looked like the picture I have of him in his younger days.  

 On waking I realised the friend he had with him was my mum when she was a young woman. 

The loss of a loved one takes time to come to terms with, the intense pain softens, you carry on, but you never forget.  I still think about my first son who passed at 3 days old, he would have been 23 now and I often wonder what he would have been doing now, thinking about all that he could have achieved with his life.  

While we can’t bring back those we have lost we can celebrate their lives, we rejoice at the lives they touched the impact they had on this world and we look to our own lives and hope that we too can make an impact on the lives of others and be the blessing we were called to be.   

I imagined as I got older I would be sharing more times of laughter with tales of grandchildren and aching joints, alongside the creative adventures with my good friend Barbara who I had known since I was 16 and who passed in 2011 and is so dearly missed.  

 From time to time I dwell on the shared experiences, and conversations we had about our journey as artists, the love she gave to her family and the love she shared with others.

 me and Barbara in our early 20's

Ecclesiastes tells us that there is a time for everything and everything in its season: 

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot, 

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

As we draw close to the end of the year, let us make a decision to live our lives on purpose.  Take hold of 2013 and aim to make an impact on your own life and that of others.  Whilst we will continue over the years at some point to suffer loss, let us hold on to the blessings that each individual life shared with us and celebrate their memories with joy, and let us live our lives to the full and not take one more day for granted.

  He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power...Isaiah 40:29

Come join the group - Creating in Faith, show us how you will be incorporating the words and scriptures and reflections in your art this week.  Step out and be a blessing and you will also be blessed!

52 Weeks of Colour - Knowing your treasures

A thought for the week.....
  
Life is what you make it.  Every day we have to grab hold and treat each minute as if it were our last.  There are many who didn't get to see today and our thoughts and prayers go out to the Sandy Hook Elementary School community.  

As we look back on our lives those things that bring a smile are those shared memories that we get to experience with others, the differences that we can make in each others lives.  You have an important story to tell and should value it.  As you reflect on your week ahead treat yourself like the treasure you are... Blessings, Amanda

 **************

Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you knowhow, you begin to die a little. The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.  ...Agnes de Mille

  "(Nothing can) separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:39